In a new church like Second Mile, we’ve definitely had our share of Christians who join with our ministry as they are coming out of an existing church. Whenever possible, I have tried to encourage these people to leave well. Some have left for good reasons, some for less good reasons.
Additionally, we’ve had a number of people decide to leave Second Mile for a variety of reasons. In reality, many of us will eventually move on to another church or city. Life is just too fluid for most people to expect everyone to stay in one place for their whole life.
Few people, however, really think through the implications of their leaving their church — often resulting in pretty flimsy reasons they leave. Into this predicament, Jason Helopoulos has written a very helpful post on reasons to leave a church.
He gives four good reasons to leave, three possible reasons to leave, and eight insufficient reasons to leave.
Click here to read the article.
What do you think? What parts do you agree or disagree with?
#1 by Chris on July 29, 2010 - 2:31 pm
hmmm…perhaps reason # 4 would include “leadership ineptitude”? Not to think highly of oneself, what seemed missing from his list was “lack of decisively engaged biblical leadership”. Far different than “the pastor can’t shuck corn” (see #8 on bad reasons), when shepherding is not intentionally directed to a current flock something seems to go lacking. Rather than the “church has changed” poor reason, what of the “church won’t change”?
#2 by Luke Simmons on July 29, 2010 - 4:26 pm
Chris, I think that’s a very interesting point and probably valid in many cases. If the leadership is so powerfully inept that it overwhelmed any attempts made by a member to positively influence change, that might be a good reason to leave. That said, many members often make assumptions or draw conclusions about leadership that are poorly informed. It’s one that I’d want to work through and discern with wise counsel.
The other question your comment makes me ask is, “Okay, so loss of Purity is a good reason to go. Are there losses of purity besides doctrinal purity that would qualify?” For instance, if a church’s culture was so powerfully inward or so philosophically irrelevant would that be an instance of loss of purity? What do you think?
#3 by Chris on July 29, 2010 - 6:13 pm
I think!
Actually, that might be the dealie-o if one is trying to stay with in the 4-3-8 metric on Jason’s rationale. That said, it does probably come perilously close to the “irreconcilable differences” cited in divorce proceedings.
From my personal experience, if that leadership is engaged by the observer…and repeatedly so over a significant period of time…so as to eliminate any assumptions or poorly informed conclusions – then yeah, you maybe talkin’ a “purity” issue.
In that vein, it becomes an integrity issue – stated values not being actual values (got some good notes on that from Malphurs book “Values-Driven Leadership”, page 52 in particular). People begin to question your integrity if what you’re saying isn’t matching up to what you’re doing.
Peace!
#4 by Chris on July 29, 2010 - 6:14 pm
BTW – nice combo of ideas – “so powerfully inept” :-)
#5 by Matthew on August 9, 2010 - 12:33 pm
I just saw this post – and found the referenced article quite interesting. Personally I think that attempts to build a comprehensive list of allowable reasons to leave a church is misguided; there are so many wisdom issues and heart deep-dives necessary in any particular case that a list inevitably looks legalistic, rigid, or self-serving on the part of church leadership (who pull out such lists when trying to get people to stay). However, I think the issues of what a covenent to a church involves, what it means to be committed in love to our fellow believers, and what Christ’s call to serve rather than be served looks like in a church context are all good ones that we don’t think about often enough.
I think that “Raja” in the referenced article’s comments makes a good point when he says:
“Well, what you need as a Christian is fellowship, service, and faithful love. If you’re not receiving that in your church, move on. This nonsense about how church is “not about me” is hypocritical. If you didn’t get anything out of being a part of the church you’re in, you wouldn’t be there. ”
On the other hand, there have been many Christians through history who have been committed to reform in their churches and denominations and have led change for God’s glory, and that wouldn’t have happened if they had just bailed…
#6 by Luke Simmons on August 9, 2010 - 1:46 pm
Hey Matthew, you’re probably right about any list like this being misguided. I’ve already considered a couple of scenarios that don’t really fit on the list but are probably just fine reasons to leave. I do think it’s helpful to get people to think about the reasons why they would or wouldn’t leave a church. The helpful thing about his post is that he takes many of the things that many people take for granted as good reasons and challenges them.
Thanks for your feedback!
#7 by Tasha Loudon on January 1, 2011 - 6:25 pm
Guys, I would love some advice on leaving a church. I have been at my church for a year and a half and want to make sure my reasons for leaving are good, and hoping I’m not just being skeptical or divisive. It is a non-denominational church that came out of a Calvary/ Horizon type church. Basicly, over the last year I have been listening to a lot of reformed theology on radio, and really love it. But then I hear things at my church that sit wrong with me. Like your financial situation being related to your faithfulness, or drinking and dating talked about like some “great evil”, and little things creep up like this in the sermons and I find myself sitting in the pews thinking: “that doesn’t line up with scripture” and I find myself disagreeing with a lot in the sermon- instead of sitting with an open heart and mind, I feel judgmental, and I don’t like it. I don’t know enough about doctrine to know if it’s heresy, or if I’m turning molehills into mountains- but I desire to find a reformed church in my area. Is this a valid reason to leave?
Thanks, T.
#8 by Luke Simmons on January 5, 2011 - 7:07 am
Tasha, thanks for commenting and for your question. You have probably rightly identified your need to guard against being overly judgmental and to grow to the place where you can discern heresy and just out-of-balance emphasis on a particular teaching. That said, my concern for you in this church would be about the centrality of the gospel. If side-issues tend to get more focus than the gospel of Jesus being both the way to get saved and the way to grow, then it seems appropriate to look elsewhere.
I love the doctrines of grace and think that a reformed view of salvation gets closer to the heart of the gospel of salvation by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Therefore, I would encourage you to find a church that is more in line with your growing convictions about reformed theology. Just be sure to do it without being divisive in your current church, as one of the things the Lord “hates” is “one who sows discord among brothers” (Prov 6:19).
Where do you live? I’d love to try to give some recommendations. A few places to consider looking would be the Acts29 Network and the Gospel Coalition.
#9 by Mike on March 11, 2011 - 6:44 am
Perhaps this would fall under the Special Gifts reason. I am 60 years old and felt the Lord moving me from the full time ministry after 30 years of pastoring churches. When we moved to our present church I had a long talk with the pastor so he would know where I was coming from and that I wanted to serve the Lord and support him in his ministry. He said that would be wonderful and that he needed my help and that I would be used. In the years we have been attending the church has grown, but neither my wife or I have really been used in any way. We have volunteered for anything and most everything (one man calls on me to substitute in his Bible Study class on the rare occasions he is out of town).
I met with the pastor yesterday to talk about the fact that my wife and I are still waiting to be used and to see if there was anything we could do for him since the church was growing and more demands were being put on him. I was not asking to be put on staff, or even be given a leadership roll. I was just asking if there was any place my wife and I might serve in an active manner. His answer was that we were too old. He is growing a younger church and needs younger leaders. His suggestion was that if I really wanted to be used of God I should find one of the small country churches of mostly older people who were having a hard time finding a pastor to love them and minister to them until they die.
God did not call me to be an undertaker. My primary focus has always been discipleship. I am open to serving where ever my Lord leads. Even at 60 I am not ready to be told I should be put out to pasture to die in peace with the other old, useless nags, and to get out of the way of the young colts.
Since that is the pastor’s attitude I will never be used in that church and do not feel that God is ready for me to just sit in a pew until I die.
Is that not reason to leave, or have I missed something?
#10 by Luke Simmons on March 11, 2011 - 12:43 pm
Mike, it seems that you have a valid reason to leave if that is how the Lord is directing you. At 60 you have many fruitful years of labor ahead of you (Lord wiling) and I would hope you could find a good place to use those gifts. Probably important next time around to find a church that not only fits doctrinally but philosophically. Blessings to you in this next season. -Luke
#11 by Tim on March 11, 2011 - 10:34 am
I have found this article and this discussion helpful, the funny thing about it I just told my wife that I was thinking about adding to our partnership/membership class a section on how to leave the church right. As far as it being legalistic that would not be my intent but the intention would be to help people leave right. I wished that all would stay as I am a church planter. But the reality has been some come for a reason a season and a lifetime I thank God for them all. But there is a right way to leave a ministry to bring closer to not just the person leaving but the church there leaving. just saying after one has just quit coming it leaves a lot of unanswered questions in the minds of not just the Pastor and leadership but the church family as well.
And Mike I don’t know where you live but I would love to have you contact me. We are a church plant in Noblesville In.
#12 by Luke Simmons on March 11, 2011 - 12:46 pm
Tim, thanks for stopping by. I think you’re right. Most people never learn how to leave a church and, as a result, leave poorly. I wrote a post on this as well: How to Leave a Church. It was inspired by a guy who left our church well. Hope it helps. -Luke
#13 by Cherry on January 3, 2012 - 11:06 am
My Husband & I have decided to leave our church for another one. We love our church, pastor & family there and hate to make this decision. I dont even know how to approach my leaders about it without hurting them. The reason for our decision is that my husband was diagnosed in the 1st year of our marriage with schizo-affective disorder. This has greatly taken a toll on us as a family. We have reached out for help in many ways but it has been a struggle for us financially. We have a wonderful church in the area that have christian professionals who specializes in mental disorders & offer help to its members for free! We have talked to our pastor about our situation with my husband & he prayed over us but in reality this is something requires so much more than that. I have felt very lonely & feel like Im fighting for my husband’s health & our marriage alone & many many times felt like giving up on God, my husband, our marriage. But even so, i still doubt my decision for leaving & it saddens me.