How to Leave a Church

I met yesterday with a friend who is leaving our church. We had a good conversation about his reasons for leaving (they are legitimate) and then some discussion about how he can “leave well.” I told him that, based on my experience with people leaving our church or coming to our church after leaving another one, most people don’t leave well.

Here are a few ideas on how to leave a church well:

1. Have a good reason for leaving. Before you go, evaluate whether your reasons are good, legitimate and God-honoring. Here’s a thought-provoking post exploring good, possible, and bad reasons for leaving a church (and here’s a discussion about this post). I don’t think this list is comprehensive, but it’s good to make you think. If your reasons are good, go. If not, stay.

2. Communicate your decision to leave with the appropriate leaders. If you’re an active part of the church, leaders will need to know you’re leaving. If you are serving, communicate it to your Ministry Team leader. If you are in a Community Group, communicate it to the leader. If you are connected with an elder or pastor, communicate it with them. Personal communication is preferable to written communication, but make sure you communicate.

3. Tell these leaders the truth about why you’re leaving. If you have legitimate reasons to leave then you have nothing to hide or worry about. If the reasons for leaving will sting church leadership, deliver it in the spirit of Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Scripture commands us to “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15), which means you don’t couch the real, sometimes difficult reasons behind a bunch of spiritualized nonsense. God may use your reasons for leaving to help the church or its leaders. I’ve had at least one “exit interview” that was immensely helpful to me as a leader — some of the truth of it stung, but it helped me grow. Whatever you do, don’t just leave without telling your leaders.

4. Appropriately transition or conclude your ministry commitments. If you’ve been an active part of ministry, your role will need to be transitioned. Hopefully you’ve been training and developing somebody to take your place anyway, but if you haven’t, give your leaders an appropriate time to find others to serve in your capacity. This period shouldn’t drag on, but you also should not just drop the ball on the people you’ve been committed to.

5. Leave graciously. In Ray Pritchard’s post on this topic, he writes:

“[Leaving] graciously means you refuse to speak evil of those who remain in the church. Look forward, not backward. Focus on your new church, not your old one. Think carefully before you speak about your former congregation. Don’t say anything that could be remotely construed as criticism. Even casual comments could stir up needless controversy. Let the Golden Rule guide all your comments public and private.”

If you’ve read this post and realize that you didn’t leave a church well in the past, it might be wise to circle back to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. If you have gossiped or stirred up division, you should make it right, apologizing not only to the leaders of that church but also to the people to whom you gossiped.

In the end, remember that Jesus loves the church you’re leaving and the one you’re going to — His blood was shed for both. Both churches are part of his bride. Do his bride the honor of leaving well.

Question: Is there anything else you’d recommend for somebody leaving a church?

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  1. #1 by Jeffery on November 24, 2010 - 9:08 am

    Thanks, Luke–this is a frequently “missing note” is evangelicalism. One other aspect is also crtiical: the same ethics and admonitions apply to the departing church’s leadership and when they “blow it,” the opportunity to reconcile and edify diminish greatly given the power/positive imbalance.

  2. #2 by Rochelle on November 24, 2010 - 1:39 pm

    Luke – this is a great post. I’m impressed that the person leaving chose to talk with you before doing so. Most people simply stop attending. Unless you are active in your church there is little or no accountabilty.

  3. #3 by Christina on December 2, 2010 - 4:51 am

    Thanks for writing this blog Luke. I really would say that it is a thought that never really crossed my mind, that there is a “right” way to leave a church. Obviously, I knew that if you are in ministry, you should let the leaders know. Other than that, I guess I have just always felt that people really didn’t care. I think that most people who leave want to do so without disturbance and confrontation, but they also have reasons that should be sough out by the leadership. I think that in most churches the atmosphere is one that you don’t feel that the leadership cares about reasons why you are leaving. It definitely shows that the leadership of this church is one that does care about it’s people, not just it’s existence. That has not always been my experience, but know I know that standard. Thank you!!!!

  4. #4 by Luke Simmons on December 2, 2010 - 8:44 am

    Glad this post could be helpful. Thanks for your feedback!

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